Are You My Mother?

I have been known to embarrass myself in front of famous movie stars and celebrities. Take, for instance, the time I met Shirley MacLaine when I was 15 years old, and gushed about how much I loved her brother (Warren Beatty). That was before I read her book which I bought at the Bodhi Tree Bookstore, (RIP) when I was 18. Because of this, I have tried to stop myself from talking to them, but sometimes, it just happens. So, yesterday, I hit the jackpot when it comes to creating an embarrassing story of meeting a famous actress. I had met her before, a few times, so this makes it even more appalling. What happened? Here, let me tell you.

I was at the very first "LA Celebrity Show" in Hollywood, masterminded by Scott Schwartz of A Christmas Story fame. My aim was to network with and to get reacquainted with former child actors (Jeremy Licht, Tracey Gold, Keith Coogan) say hello to some old friends, like Claudia Wells, maybe meet some famous actors I admired. I grabbed a piece of memorabilia as I darted out the door on my way there. It was a script cover of the episode I did in Fantasy Island. Then, I noticed that Stella Stevens did not autograph the cover and she had played my birth mother in that episode. So, believing that I saw her name on the list of celebrities at the show, I took it with me to have her sign it. It would almost be like I was a real fan going to get an autograph at the show.

When the moment appeared, I walked right to the woman, my alleged former co-star, at her table and said, "Hi Mom!" She just smiled at me, incredulously and let me go on....and on. (Thanks, Robert Graves for accompanying me to the show and giving me that brilliant idea to say "Hi Mom!")

"You played my birth mother in an episode of Fantasy Island and I noticed you did not sign my script cover, see? Look Christopher Hewitt signed it..."

She tried to get a word in and asked "I was on Fantasy Island?"

I retorted, "Yes!! Diane Baker played my adoptive mother and you were my birth mother. I was so thrilled to have such a beautiful birth mother as you!"

She smiled, seemingly flattered, and still allowed me to further stick my foot deeper into my mouth, as I am wont to do in these moments. She said, politely and still with a smile, " I did work with Diane Baker but I don't think I ever did an episode of Fantasy Island."

Here is where I felt compelled to remind her, "Well, you have so many credits you probably don't remember." And then the truth fell out of my mouth, I blurted excitedly in a let-me-remind-you kind of moment. "Diane Baker was the adoptive mother and Stella Stevens was the mother who gave me and my brother, played by David Kaufman up for adoption!" I thought it could not be clearer than daylight. Certainly, she would then acquiesce and admit that she was my real TV birth mother. (Oy vey!) At that point, the lovely and talented and very gracious original devastatingly gorgeous Genie-in-a-Bottle, Barbara Eden, saw my jaw drop open as I realized she was not, in fact, my real TV birth mother! "Oops!" I exclaimed, seeing my horrible error. " I am sooo sorry!" I apologized a few times more.

Ms. Eden said, with a great big lovely smile, "Stella and I have always been mistaken for one another." She said that at least twice as I kept apologizing. Oh. My. God. (Camera pulls back to reveal the table next to her sporting the glass and brass purple-painted Genie Bottles for sale with the official artist signing them. Camera pulls back further to reveal a big poster outside the door with Barbara Eden's photo, with Larry Hagman and the bottle, and more details to put me to shame.)

In some ways, after that celebrity interaction debacle, I wish, no offense to my real life Mom, that Barbara Eden was in fact my mother. She is so lovely in person. I proceeded to tell her how gracious and warm and genuine a person she is and has always been, that she has been the kindest most personable actress I have ever met, which is probably true. I met Diane Baker, my adoptive mother once in a restaurant and she did not seem to remember me, after all is said and done. So, if anything, this makes me more of a fan of Barbara Eden! And more convinced that I should be muzzled when I show up at these things. Or, at least take a moment to make sure I know whom I am addressing. So, in the end, I never did get Stella Stevens' autograph on my script cover.